Thoughts on Marriage

(This is part of my story that I have felt compelled to share, but have hesitated to do so.
My goal is not is criticise or condemn people who are in happy complementarian marriages, but rather to simply show, that there is another way, that is perhaps worth trying, especially if attempting to follow rigid roles is leading to frustration and unhappiness, or even worse, destroying relationships.  My goal is not to give advice on marriage and I do not even feel qualified to do so. If you are struggling in marriage my advice to you would be to talk to a qualified pastor or marriage counselor.
I think even more than that though, I feel compelled to express my gratitude to my God who is full of grace and mercy. I look at my past and my husband's past, and I look at our present and the prayer that fills my heart is, "The LORD has done great things for us; we are glad." (Ps. 126:3)
If you haven't read a bit about how I grew up, I suggest you click here, to get some of the background.)

 I grew up catholic, but in spite of that, the beliefs my parents taught me regarding marriage and family where much closer to the beliefs held by fundamentalist Christians, and promoted by the likes of Vision Forum and Bill Gothard. Basically, God created men to lead, and women to follow and
support the men in their lives. Wives are to be submissive to their husbands and obey them in all things. Daughters are to remain under their fathers' authority until given in marriage. (And if a daughter didn't get married until she was forty, well that was just her hard luck, God still required her to be under her father's authority as long as she was single.)

My parents taught me that a marriage in which the woman did not submit to and obey her husband and the husband did not lead his wife and family, is a marriage doomed to failure. You will end up with an unhappy marriage consisting of a loud and domineering woman and a weak kneed effeminate man. If the woman does not submit and obey, there will be discord and strife.  They believe that following the few verses in the bible that tell wives to obey their husbands and that state the husband is the head of the wife is the key to having a happy Christian marriage and family.

Except it isn't.

 I believe it was my parents' insistence that a wife lay down her will and follow her husband unquestioningly, that ultimately destroyed the family I grew up in. My father had all the say, my mother had none. Some very bad parenting decisions were made, including some that I know my mom was opposed to, but she went along with them--because she felt it was what God required her to do.  As a direct result of this, a tremendous amount of hurt and pain happened, and even 20-30 years later, the damage that was done seems to be irreparable.

In my family, this obedience wasn't just for wives, it also applied to daughters. As the oldest daughter there was a lot of pressure on me to conform and obey and be a good example. Instead of the rules lightening up as I got older, the tighter they got. As I gradually realized that I was doomed to a life of perpetual obedience to my father, I grew more and more depressed. (Not all families that believe in female submission/male headship believe that daughters are required to obey for their fathers as adults, but some do.)

It was only by God's grace that I ended up escaping from that life (and that is a whole different story for some other day).

After I left home I was given a copy of the Catechism of the Catholic Church. I cried as I read the chapters on the creation of man and women and the chapter on family life. God did not intend to create a rigid structure of unbreakable rules that had to be followed in marriage and family at risk of eternal damnation. Women are created in the image of God, in equal dignity and worth to men. Men and women both reflect different aspects of God, who is neither male nor female. Marriage is presented as partnership where husband and wife work together to attain holiness and to meet each others needs, the needs of their family, and the needs of society around them.

While the chapters on the creation of man and woman, marriage and family life, are packed with quotes from scripture, female submission and male leadership are concepts that aren't even mentioned!

My husband's story is quite different, but some of it echos mine.

He grew up on the east side of Detroit, in a big Catholic family with an abusive father. At age 16, he left home--as a high school drop out and a drug addict.

 He was saved by God's grace from that life and in his late teens joined a charismatic nondenominational  Christian community. He married in his early 20's and he and his wife continued to be part of the that community. From the stories I hear from former members of the community, it sounds like in general it was a positive thing, there were also some very negative things about it.

One of those negative things was the insistence that members follow rigid roles in marriage--that wives be obedient and submission, and husbands be the leaders and decision makers.

My husband will be the first to tell you that this model does not work. At least it did not work for them, and he believes that trying to follow this model was a major contributing factor to killing his first marriage (there were other issues as well, but that isn't my story to tell).  He states it puts undue burden on the husband who is then 100% responsible for all decisions--and he gets all the blame when things don't work out right. It puts the wife in a bad place because she has to ignore her God given instincts and intellect and go along with whatever her husband decides, even if she knows or feels it to be wrong.

When my husband I first talked about marriage, he made it clear that he was not going to be the leader and I wasn't going to submit. We were going to make decisions together. If we were to get married, we were going to be equal partners.

So just what does a marriage of equals look like between two Christians?

Really it isn't that complicated. I can sum up our marriage in one sentence--"My job is to take care of my husband and his job is to take care of me."

If you want to get slightly more complicated about it, read Matthew 22:36-40:

Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

This is what our marriage is based on.

My closest neighbor is my spouse. Marriage is about wanting and doing what is best each other, a mutual laying down of one's life for the other. It is about respecting the other, caring about and furthering the goals of the other.

Our marriage isn't about who is in charge, or who makes decisions and who doesn't. It is about love and trust and respect. It is about giving and receiving. It is about being strong, yet vulnerable.

It is about becoming one, while at the same time becoming more the persons God made us to be.

It is about being side by side, about mutual submission, mutual leadership. It is a dance of love and trust and oneness. One is not above the other, and one is not under the the other. It is about taking risks and responsibilities together.

It is about not confining each other to a narrow box of gender roles and expectations. It is about expanding to God's grace and guidance. It is about realizing that God is bigger than either of us, and he is ultimately in charge.

Sarah Bessy who blogs at Emerging Mummy has a poetic and beautiful post that sums up what this kind of marriage looks like far better than I can. To quote just a bit:

"When it comes to the end, we both bear the responsibility for this love affair, for our family, for the work that we are both called to do and the love we are meant to spill out to show the God we know as Love.

You follow when I step out to a new place and I know when to slide into your new turn as a shadow and you lead us both through but usually, it's just us, always us, trusting each other's heart for the other, moving seamlessly, together."

A common question from those who practice male leadership/female submission in marriage is "What happens when you disagree? Someone has to have the final say!"

Our job is to take care of each other. I trust that he has my best interests in mind. He trusts that I have his best interests in mind. We compromise, or we go with what the person who feels strongest about the matter wants. Again it all boils down to "Love your neighbor as yourself."

I am incredibly blessed and loved by my husband. I can truly say that he lays down his life for me as Christ laid down his life for the Church. I am honored by his unconditional love for me. He tells me that he looks at me and sees the ideal woman of Proverbs 31.

It is amazing to me that God can take two people who have pasts full of pain, brokenness and failure, who come from dysfunctional families, bring them together and make them whole by giving them each other. It also amazes me that through God's grace we have a marriage based on trust and love--a marriage that is a safe place to be, that builds each other up, where two can truly become one.

Again my heart echos the words of Psalm 126--"The LORD has done great things for us; we are glad."

Walking down the isle together after giving our lives to each other.

Linked to Imperfect Prose.